My wife: “I do.”

Me: “What that the group of fat guys from Tennessee?”

My wife: “No, you’re thinking of someone else.”

Me: “But we watched them on YouTube that one time. Remember?”

My wife: “No.”

[clicks over to YouTube, checks Search History only to find that I disabled it]

Fail.

For starters, you, sir (or ma’am), are an asshole. Your product that consists of space age polymers that transform from tiny beads into spongy, water orbs are quite possibly the messiest, most frustrating product my kids have received. I say “received” because no parent in their right mind would purchase these for their own child or children. That said, after last night’s birthday party I am seriously rethinking our status and relationship with several of my child’s friend’s parents as they clearly must hate my fucking guts. No person with any shred of remorse or respect for friendship would knowingly send your horrible invention into our home. It’s like that Star Trek episode where Captain Kirk bangs an alien and then impregnates a tribble, because clearly only the Shatt’s sperm could cause such an annoying creature to reproduce an infinite number of times. Or something like that. I’m pretty sure that episode aired when I was a kid during the 70′s and my Dad would leave his rum and Diet Pepsi on the counter and I’d chug it when he wasn’t looking. But I digress…

We first encountered your demonic product after receiving it a few years ago — surprise — as a gift. I don’t even remember what the purpose of the toy was other than your product, like bed bugs, would multiply and wind up in a lot of places they didn’t belong: under the sink, smashed into carpet, under my sheets and I believe at one point I may have even had to extract one from our infant son’s butthole.  It was at this point that I decided I would never purchase refills of Orbeez for my children, however the product’s similarity to anal beads made me wonder if there might be a different, more suitable application in the adult toy market for this product.

That theory was quickly disproven when, after multiple attempts to pick up Orbeez, the product refuses to remain an orb and instead disintegrate into a mash of castaway plastic from the Chinese factory it came from, slipping and squirting from my fingers, a broom and the vacuum.  These tiny, destructible bouncy balls end up under furniture, in drawers and in many other places they don’t belong. Did I mention my infant son’s butthole? Places like that.

You can't even wash these things down the fucking sink

Additionally, these toys serve no actual purpose other than to make parents like me frustrated. The original incarnation of Orbeez literally sat in a vertical maze, akin to a plastic ant farm, whereby they would roll or bounce out of the bottom tray onto the floor. And until the recent toy donation laws changed, ridding ourselves of Orbeez wasn’t problematic. However, your latest incarnation of the toy takes your level of assholery to a new level: Shooting Orbeez from a machine gun. So not only do the microscopic pre-soaked beads roll everywhere, but they’re actually encouraged to be shot around one’s house via a military grade launching device. Fabulously fucking evil on your part.

I’m looking forward to releasing my own product, specifically target marketed at you and your company’s employees. It’s going to be a container of round, brown, shit-smelling beads that come in finger paint containers. And like Crayola Color Wonder paints, they’ll only work when your child smears them on your face and yells “YOU’RE AN EVIL MONKEY FUCKER!” repeatedly. That’ll be the game, and the kid that smears the most turd on their parents face wins. I’ll even work some connections to make sure an online gallery is created that recognized facial features and tags you on Facebook so your friends will all know what an evil bastard you are.

Sincerely,

dave

That said, I know the games I coach – particularly baseball. I love teaching the game and to see kids progress and gain self confidence.

The last few months has me rethinking my involvement.

When we moved to Kansas from California, we were introduced to how some areas handle the construction of youth sports team. In California, it seemed somewhat fair: you showed up for a baseball evaluation, you were ranked and the coaches in each division then drafted players in order. This meant most teams were somewhat balanced and the teams that were devoid of talent were few and far in between. It meant sometimes you had a really good team, and sometimes you had not so great teams. But the kids learned, had fun and that’s what it’s about.

After moving to Kansas City, both basketball and baseball work differently. Here, under the supervision of the USSSA governing body, you have to construct and recruit your own teams at all ages. There’s no draft and not equitable distribution of talent. It’s competitive on the field and off. You have to actually recruit kids – who are being recruited by other teams – and secure their commitment. And, as we found out the tough way this year, those commitments are not always solid and parents don’t always tell the truth.

We were fortunate as the folks I met with our first team in Kansas City – my son’s football team – also coached a baseball and basketball team. That means my 11 year old has been with the same core kids for the past 18 months. That’s been great.

Then came this baseball season. Two kids left our team to play soccer, or so we thought. The truth was the kids father lied to us and decided to play on another team after committing to us. We turned away kids and held his son’s spots and then he screwed us. Because we only carry 11 kids, and because the kids we already turned away found other teams, we’re now down to eight players and cannot field a team this year.

The bottom line is youth sports is getting way to competitive and parents are getting more egotistical, flaky and unreliable. Again, I’ve done it for 18 years and the past few years has been the worst. No one honors their word and everyone thinks little Johnny is going to be a major league ballplayer. Of course, they’re delusional.

Tag on that during the post-game of our final basketball game this some nimrod chest-bumped me and wanted to fight, and I’m just about through – at least for a while.

Parents continue to ruin these kids games and it’s completely unnecessary. What kind of message are we sending our kids?

Writing about the malaise in youth sports in nothing new and I’m not the first Dad to consider calling it quits. I’m even surprised myself that I’m thinking about packing it in. It’s sad because I have lots to teach and you’ll find no one more passionate about teaching sports to our kids.

While I want to continue coaching my sons, it’s getting more difficult to deal with the jerks that abound today.

It has to change, but I doubt it will.

That’s sad.

Van Halen's First Studio Album With David Lee Roth since 1984

Ok, so anyone that knows me absolutely knows I am a Van Halen fan. To me, no band better represents 1970s and 1980s hard rock and roll like Pasadena’s finest.

Then came 1985 and David Lee Roth’s ejection from a band that, at the time, was reaching the apex of its fame. After the whopper of an album that was “1984,” The Van Halen brothers went and fired the best front man in the history of rock and roll and replaced him with Sammy Hagar.

I’m not here to go back and forth on the Van Halen vs. the Van Hagar era – I’m also a Hagar fan. Instead, I’m hear to talk about Van Halen’s first studio album with Roth since the release of said “1984.” That’s right, the late 50s aged rockers finally came to their senses and reunited with Mr. Showman himself and the results are pretty damn good.

Released last week, Van Halen’s “A Different Kind of Truth” has catapulted to No. 2 on the Billboard album charts. Had it not been for the emotional return of Adele, the VH boys would have landed their first No. 1 album since “1984.”

The album itself is a rolicking adventure complete with some 30 year old tunes refreshed and recorded for release for the first and some new tunes. The overall feel and direction of the record gets us a little closer to what everyone has been clamoring for since the band last recorded as part of a doomed reunion back in 1996. It’s old-school Van Halen with riffs, screams, and a driving rhythm section (now filled out with Eddie’s son Wolfgang) that has me ready to return to the days of Reagan, AquaNet, and spandex pants.

A note: many fans and critics have derided the band for recording a few songs that first appeared on a demo produced by Kiss leader Gene Simmons back in 1976. Dubbed “The Zero Demos,” the recording was meant to capture the ears of record labels to help the yet-to-be-signed young Van Halen. Two tracks off that demo – “She’s the Woman -1976” and “Big Trouble – 1976” – were rerecorded for this new CD. Since they were never originally released officially, and because they’re old school Van Halen, I appreciate them.  Many have taken what Sammy Hagar said in the months before the release of the album, a criticism of the band for not writing new music, and remain dismissive of these old songs. Rift aside, I like the tunes. One note: on the new CD “Big Trouble” has been rebranded “Big River – 2012” with some lyrical updates. Here’s the new version of “She’s the Woman.”

Outside of the re-recorded tunes from 1976, the new CD strikes the chord that it needs to. Songs like “Beats Workin’” and “Honeybabysweetiedoll” also kick you in the head with traditional VH testosterone and even sound like Eddie perhaps put down his new Fender EVH Wolfgang in favor of the old Kramer. Call me crazy, but the tone on a few of the tunes matches the early era Van Halen records while some of the other tunes sound more sterile. Either way, it’s the best Eddie has sounded in years and it generally appears he’s having fun and staying sober and healthy. That’s a good thing for us fans.

The reunited VH on stage

As for Roth: he’s still the man. Gone are some of the signature high-ptich screams of the early 1980s but the DLR charm and wit are still alive and well. I’ve also heard some criticism of Diamond Dave but he’s still doing a great job. Who at 58 has the same vocal range they did 30 years previous? Could Hank Aaron still hit a 450 foot home run? No way. Roth has aged, and so has his voice, but it’s still distinct and delivers a nice punch. Criticized early in his career for often going on stage intoxicated and sloppy, the elder Roth is the consumate showman and it shows on the new record. One can only wait with excitement to see him prancing across the state on the band’s current tour.

I’ll let the music writers breakdown the entire CD; I only wanted to share my thoughts. I was fully ready to be disappointed by a CD 14 years in the making. Yet, after initially not liking the first single “Tattoo,” which is by far the weakest tune on the release, I’ve come to really love and enjoy “A Different Kind of Truth.”

Also, a recommendation: pick up the Deluxe Version which includes “The Downtown Sessions,” and unplugged and intimate set of tunes the boys play while sitting around Diamond Dave’s home. It’s pretty cool and filled with a DLR/Michael Jackson story…sort of.

I’m a 42 year old Dad who saw the original Van Halen, the lighter Van Hagar version, and now am ready to enjoy seeing the boys live into my third decade of being a fan.

I highly recommend the CD and expect the tour to do well.

Let’s hope they’re back together for good and continue making music for at least a few more years.

Flash forward 13 years and a few pounds and skinny jeans are all the rage. And about a year ago, when I wasn’t really hitting the gym much, that sort of attire fit. My wife even recently disclosed to me that my once round butt had turned into “saggy old man ass”. But? My pants all fit.

Because I’ve been averaging 3 days a week at the gym as well as playing basketball every week for two-plus hours at a time, my physique is nearly as good as it was 13 years ago. Also making an appearance? Well, let’s just say those jeans from last year are beyond skin tight now thanks to a newly re-formed Rick Mahorn-esque booty — even with room to spare in the waist. Those “trim fit” shirts that I was sporting a year ago? Too tight.  Sleeves short. I’m beyond frustrated that I have to order new clothes, and as you can imagine being this size it’s a pain in the ass.

I was chatting with fellow EOT Dad Don Martelli the other day on Twitter about this dilemma. See, Don has a similar problem – because of recent weight loss, the “Big Guy” is now in between sizes and forced to either shop at the Big and Tall stores and wear a tent, or troll the mall to find one thing that fits.

Clothes for men are made in one size now – slim fit. Over 6′ tall? Good luck. Unless you want to stop eating it’s almost impossible to wear fashionable clothes and still live the High Life.

After several years of retiring the Big and Tall web site directory I founded back in the 90′s, I’ve found a few places online where I’m able to find clothes and shoes for big guys. Here are a few, we’d love to hear where you’re able to find clothes that fit in your size in the comments.

Buckle – Looking for jeans that aren’t going to squeeze your boys into submission? Want some decent washes, a few rips and some bad ass bootcuts? Try Buckle. They make jeans in waists up to 40″ and inseams up to 38″. Broad shoulders? They have you covered with an “athletic” cut in their shirts. I have a 37.5″ sleeve and their stuff fits. Take my word, you’ll love it for casual wear — just watch out for the Affliction line, because you don’t want to end up in a roadside ditch.

Oddball – Sure, sites like Zappos offer big sizes too, but tall brothers Seth and Zac at Oddball START their shoes at 12 and carry wide widths as well as extremely large sizes, not to mention their own line of socks. Don’t let the shipping costs get to you, the guys in Portland get exclusive styles on some of your favorite brands.

Nordstrom – The Nordstrom family is also tall and thus they carry a ton of tall sizes and large shoes too. And if you want a really great deal on shoes, check out their Nordstrom Rack outlets.

Vegas opened up the Patriots at four point favorites, however the money all went toward the G-Men early. The spread now sits at 2 and a half points, a one and a half point shift.

There are a few simple principles that allow teams to win football games: score points (duh), don’t turn the ball over and  get some stops on defense. When you break down the Giants offense, you see they have a multitude of wide receivers that can burn you deep and a power running game that has finally come into its own this season. The Pats feature two amazing tight ends in Gronkowski and Hernandez, and a corp of average wide outs lead by former All-Pro Wes Welker. Welker’s touches have been down considerably this year because of the success of their TEs, and the supporting cast of receivers have been spotty at best. Rob Gronkowski also suffered a high ankle sprain in their playoff win over the Ravens and, unless this is a case of gamesmanship, deals a huge blow to the Patriots offense both passing and running the ball.

The Giants defense has been, in a word, remarkable since their late season run into the playoffs. Their “NASCAR” package, whereby they line up 4 defensive ends who can all get after the quarterback, is lethal and should give the Patriots tackles fits. The key for New England is to keep that unit off the field, if possible, so Tom Brady can have a comfortable passing pocket to deliver his strikes. There’s a rumor that Brady has a shoulder injury which might explain his unusually erratic passes against Baltimore in the AFC Championship game.

The much maligned Patriots defense has stepped it up as of late, playing a bend, bend, and bend some more but don’t break. Vince Wilfork has been a stud the past few weeks, causing headaches for teams looking to, well, look around his five hundred pound gut. The Pats D has been opportunistic, forced turnovers and gotten stops when they needed. They also benefitted from some late game buffoonery by Ravens coach John Harbaugh, whereby the down markers were incorrect and their kicker shanked a game tying field goal. But, with every good team comes a little luck.

All of that said, there are three reasons why I don’t think this is going to be a close game.

1. Gronkowski’s ankle.

A high ankle sprain is no joke. It is a sprain that happens in the front of the lower leg that causes a massive amount of pain and takes six weeks to heal. Adrian Peterson, Ben Rothlesberger and Arian Foster all suffered the same injury this year and no amount of Cortizone and physical therapy can rush it back. Without Gronkowski, the Pats not only lose their big play ability on offense but also lose a solid run blocker, when needed. Hernandez is still a stud TE, but only have one TE to match up against is doable vs. taking on the two headed monster.

2. Giants WRs vs New England’s secondary.

Even with a lucky play on the oft-cursed, and now infamously soft-handed Lee Evans to prevent a Ravens win, the Pats secondary isn’t very good. And that’s being nice. The QBs they’ve faced during their victories include Tim Tebow, Matt Moore, Curtis Painter, Rex Grossman, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Mark Sanchez and Matt Cassell while losses came at the hands of Eli, Big Ben and an early season loss against a then-hot Ryan Fitzpatrick, before everyone figured out he can’t throw a deep ball. Bottom line is that they’ve claimed wins against average to below QBS, which Eli is not. Speaking of Eli…

3. Eli.

Yes, the “other” Manning is playing better than any quarterback in the league. Last week he took on the league’s most ferocious defense that stomped every team’s mudholes in during the regular season from coast to coast and prevailed. He was hit twenty times, six of which were sacks. He was poised, accurate and has been backing up his “Elite QB” claim the entire season. He doesn’t get rattled, he’s won it before and is a much better leader and passer than he was in 2008 when he threw up a duck that somehow stuck to David Tyree’s helmet. Sure, you can say the same for Brady, but I seriously doubt Tom can withstand a beating from the Giants front four, play with the loss of his top receiver/TE and rely on his team’s defense to keep it close enough to pull one out. Eli will raise this mutha again and I’m going to have to listen to another year of New Yorkers gloating. But at least it’s not Boston Sports Fan.

Yep, Eli's Raising Superbowl Trophy #2

This is a preemptive strike because I know exactly what he’s going to say.

Why do I care? Well, first off, I’m a die hard Pats fan. Always have been, always will be. I grew up in a time when the Pats were the joke of the league. I remember those one win seasons. I remember how bad Tony Eason was. I remember how Irving Fryar was our only chance of scoring deep, which rarely happened.

I remember.

Over the past 10 years, the tide has changed, as most know. Three Super Bowl wins and one drastic appearance later, and the Patriots are once again, on the big stage looking to be champs.

I love it. Dave, on the other hand, hates it.

He hates it because his team — the Detroit Lions — can’t break through. His other team, the Giants, is the team that the Pats face, of course. Yes, he has two teams because he’s a NYer now — a transplant from Detroit.

He’s a fan of convenience and that bugs the shit out of me.

Anyways, enough of the ranting. Here’s what he’s going to say in his Super Bowl post:

• Pats are luck to be there and had a soft schedule
• The Pats D can’t stop anything
• Gronk is hurt so there goes Brady’s safety net
• The Giants D is going to pummel Brady like they did in ’07
• There’s #NoTitlesInBoston (search on Twitter)

Yadda, yadda, yadda…he’ll go on and on. I won’t read it. I won’t. I don’t need to. I already know what he’s going to say.

But, revenge is on the docket this year in Indy. Pats win.

#NoTitlesInNYerDetroit…

The spot that has already been well leaked and spread via social media has been Matthew Broderick’s mysterious Ferris Bueller spot. The 10-second teaser clip was released on the web before the weekend and spread quickly.

Since most of the Dads here on EOT are children of the 80s-90s, we wanted to share with you what is a great spot for Honda’s CR-V. Broderick plays himself in true Bueller fashion. Well done and not overdone. Enjoy

Build this easy to make football bar for your party.

If you’re lucky enough to go like me (sorry for the brag!), then you’ll be filled to the gills with parties, food and good times. The reality for most Americans is the throw fun and exciting Super Bowl bashes at home or attend a private party. We’ve all been to great parties, and then we’ve also been to duds.

If you’re hosting the big shindig this year, how do you avoid becoming “that guy” who had a crappy Super Bowl party?

Every Other Thursday turned to Mr. Handyman for some tips. For those of us who really enjoy being the man around the house and completing that never-ending “honey do” list but still lack some of the skill necessary to re-plumb a bathroom or install a ceiling fan, Mr. Handyman has you covered. As someone who didn’t have a father who taught him the ins-and-outs of home repair, I use their site all the time for tips and tricks – which allow me to avoid killing myself or flooding the house. The same experts also have created a pretty cool list of ways to make your party pretty cool.

The company released an easy to follow video to walk you throw some pretty cool – and easy – ways to make your party stand out. They include:

• Turn your dining room table into a football field-themed serving stadium in practically minutes
• Change your coffee table in the living room into a chalkboard playmaking conversation piece
• Build a football-themed bar for the big game
• Take the game outside with a cool project that builds a goalpost out of standard PVC pipe

Check out the embedded video for some great projects to make you the talk of suburbia. We like the approach and so to will your buds as they come over to drink, eat and yell about how annoying Madonna is as the halftime entertainment.

The food and the game (oh, and the BEER) may be the stars of the big Sunday, but using some of these tips and projects could make you the Super Bowl King of the Block in your neck of the woods.

Now, I’ve worked for years in New York City and as such it’s nearly impossible to walk down any street at any time of the day without a cabbie or driver laying on the horn at another driver.

However, New York City residents move out of the city for the promise of a better environment to raise children: a yard with grass and trees, good schools, Costco – you know, the essentials.

It’s with that where I struggle to understand the mindset of people that come out to the ‘burbs for peace and quiet and instead can’t help themselves but to beep at everything. Didn’t make a turn fast enough? Honk. Didn’t accelerate fast enough when the light turned green? Honk. Didn’t let someone complete a “Jersey left”, whereby as soon as the light turns green the person across from you in the left turn lane guns it to cut off traffic? Honk. Honk. And honk.

Seriously, help me readers – is this just Jersey people being assholes or does this happen by you? And when it is acceptable to use the horn?