For starters, you, sir (or ma’am), are an asshole. Your product that consists of space age polymers that transform from tiny beads into spongy, water orbs are quite possibly the messiest, most frustrating product my kids have received. I say “received” because no parent in their right mind would purchase these for their own child or children. That said, after last night’s birthday party I am seriously rethinking our status and relationship with several of my child’s friend’s parents as they clearly must hate my fucking guts. No person with any shred of remorse or respect for friendship would knowingly send your horrible invention into our home. It’s like that Star Trek episode where Captain Kirk bangs an alien and then impregnates a tribble, because clearly only the Shatt’s sperm could cause such an annoying creature to reproduce an infinite number of times. Or something like that. I’m pretty sure that episode aired when I was a kid during the 70′s and my Dad would leave his rum and Diet Pepsi on the counter and I’d chug it when he wasn’t looking. But I digress…

We first encountered your demonic product after receiving it a few years ago — surprise — as a gift. I don’t even remember what the purpose of the toy was other than your product, like bed bugs, would multiply and wind up in a lot of places they didn’t belong: under the sink, smashed into carpet, under my sheets and I believe at one point I may have even had to extract one from our infant son’s butthole.  It was at this point that I decided I would never purchase refills of Orbeez for my children, however the product’s similarity to anal beads made me wonder if there might be a different, more suitable application in the adult toy market for this product.

That theory was quickly disproven when, after multiple attempts to pick up Orbeez, the product refuses to remain an orb and instead disintegrate into a mash of castaway plastic from the Chinese factory it came from, slipping and squirting from my fingers, a broom and the vacuum.  These tiny, destructible bouncy balls end up under furniture, in drawers and in many other places they don’t belong. Did I mention my infant son’s butthole? Places like that.

You can't even wash these things down the fucking sink

Additionally, these toys serve no actual purpose other than to make parents like me frustrated. The original incarnation of Orbeez literally sat in a vertical maze, akin to a plastic ant farm, whereby they would roll or bounce out of the bottom tray onto the floor. And until the recent toy donation laws changed, ridding ourselves of Orbeez wasn’t problematic. However, your latest incarnation of the toy takes your level of assholery to a new level: Shooting Orbeez from a machine gun. So not only do the microscopic pre-soaked beads roll everywhere, but they’re actually encouraged to be shot around one’s house via a military grade launching device. Fabulously fucking evil on your part.

I’m looking forward to releasing my own product, specifically target marketed at you and your company’s employees. It’s going to be a container of round, brown, shit-smelling beads that come in finger paint containers. And like Crayola Color Wonder paints, they’ll only work when your child smears them on your face and yells “YOU’RE AN EVIL MONKEY FUCKER!” repeatedly. That’ll be the game, and the kid that smears the most turd on their parents face wins. I’ll even work some connections to make sure an online gallery is created that recognized facial features and tags you on Facebook so your friends will all know what an evil bastard you are.

Sincerely,

dave