Tommy, being the Salami he was, used to do crazy stuff all the time once he hit twelve years old. Tommy Salami would get in trouble for jumping off of his roof, joy riding in his parents car when he was 14, smoking cigarettes, killing dogs, and getting C’s and D’s in school. Ok, he didn’t kill dogs. That I know of. After every one of these mishaps, Tommy’s mom would drive my mom nuts by explaining that “Boys will be boys”. As a father of three lads, I’m concerned, to say the least, that my boys will just “be boys” and that our dog might end up “accidentally” murdered. Here are a few other things I’m hoping they avoid.

1. Secret Potions

I’m still amazed no one I know has gotten killed by this, but boys like to find the most random crap lying around the garage, mix it up with some poisonous berries and see if they can get someone to drink it. Of course it usually smells like kerosene, turpentine and mint and looks like diarrhea with berries floating in it, so no one ever takes the bait. However opened bottles in the garage plus a bucket and a slightly warped sense of what’s funny could lead to an emergency room trip for some unsuspecting kid. What has me worried is that today’s products look and smell so much like products you’d drink (Orange Clean or Orange Crush? Who knows!?) that it won’t be long before we see a story about a kid dying from drinking “PEAK Antifreeze – now with lime!”.

2. Fake Bails

Read it again, it says “bails”. Pervert.

Fake bails are when kids stage injuries to see if anyone’s watching. Jumping off of the swing when it’s at its peak, falling off their bikes onto the grass, there’s not much boys won’t do in order to psyche out passers-by.

3. Shaving

Because we’re in the era of the Bodygroom I can’t imagine this is an much of an epidemic, but at one point there were mustache/beard trimmers and razors to, um, “trim” with. And typically a 18 year old boy has no need for such a device, but Dad certainly does. And that means Dad’s now trimming the hairs under his nose with a device that just shorned your scrotum.

4. Dating/Girls

Aside from the backyard wrestling, moronic stuff boys do, this one truly scares the hell out of me. Part of me thinks they’ll be more open about dating than my upbringing was, and then part of me thinks that they’ll probably still sneak in dates, a kiss — or worse — behind my back no matter what. I guess it would be worse – I could be Don and have girls and have to worry about EVERY penis out there.

5. Piercings, Tattoos, Motorcycles, Smoking, Heroin and anything else I may have missed.

There’s a plethora of things that I’m hoping my kids are never curious about, but realistically because of how society’s forced our kids to grow up fast I’m going to have to deal with things my parents never did. I recently learned that a former family friend’s niece, who’s all of maybe 20, is hooked on heroin in mid Michigan. MID MICHIGAN. We’re talking wholesome corn fields and State Fairs where B-list country artists perform, tractor rides and cross-town football rivalries that still involve pep rallies and TPing people’s houses and schools. And now there’s heroin. And AIDS. And guns aplenty. Watch a few  Break.com fight videos and you’ll never let them hang out at the local 7-Eleven, much less go on Spring Break.

Bonus: Mailbox Baseball

I don’t think there was much of a mailbox baseball epidemic until this classic scene from Stand By Me:

Unless TV and movies have lied to us, smashing defenseless mailboxes with bats is clearly an American past time and is as wholesome as apple pie. That is, until some random guy gets tired of his mailbox that’s perched upon a giant spring getting hit by you and your friend at 10 PM which is way too early to be out mailbox baseballing so he hops in his car, chases you down a dead end street in a subdivision you’ve never been in, confronts you and forces you to go report what you did to the police in an effort to scare the crap out you, only to not press charges and have you come back to replace his and the other neighbors mailboxes that you bought at the hardware store in white because they were cheaper but spray painted them black so he totally didn’t know you’re replacing it on the cheap and during the process of replacing it decides you’re not a bad kid and introduces you and your friend to his hot daughters. Win.

But that’s then it hits you – we all did really dumb stuff growing up and, unless you’re a true Darwin Award winner, you’ll survive. Hell, I once hit a dishwasher that was on the side of the road in my Olds ninety Eight thinking it was a cardboard box and lived to talk about it (side note, the car suffered a small paint chip and was covered in moldy suds, but otherwise all good (side side note: they don’t make cars like they used to!)) – so I know it can’t be that bad. I also know that I have much better lines of communication with my kids and while I’m still tempted to drive donuts in parking lots on snowy days will refrain to show them that better judgment prevails if you talk about it or – gasp – stop and think.

In the end Tommy Salami’s mom was right – Boys will be boys. I just hope I’ll be able to handle it without having a heart attack!

He loved me, this I know, but distance and ill-feelings between adults kept him away. Years later, I made my piece with it. To this day, though, it bothers me still to see fathers – whether married or not – who refuse to be present in their children’s lives.

Now comes a new reality “drama” aimed at getting a few of these potential Darwin Award-winners to sack-up and be dads. VH1 Dad Camp airs its first episode on May 31 at 10:30 p.m. EDT. VH1, formerly known as the “adult contemporary” version of MTV, has teamed with the National Fatherhood Leaders Group to bring in psychologist Jeff Gadere to work with six fathers and their pregnant girlfriends to attempt to get them to be “dads” by the series’ end.

Whether this show has the mettle to bring other real-life sperm donors to “fatherhood” is a question that will only be answered with time. But what it will most likely achieve is shining a light on the reality that being a dad means something more than showing up when it’s convenient – you know after late-night feedings and diaper changes, after the umpteenth illness punctuated by projectile vomiting, and after potty training. Being a dad means being there for those times, and for the times in between and later. It means seeing your children every day. It means telling them you love them. It means disciplining them and teaching them to learn from their own mistakes.

Just as important, and not to be overlooked, it means being there for the mom. Not every relationship that involves a child is going to work out. I lived this reality. But responsibility for your children doesn’t end when the love fades. It never ends. Share the burden of raising the child, and make it easy on the moms, because no matter what, every single-mom is doing the work of two parents at all times. Be kind, and be respectful of her time and priorities.

It takes work, but every father can earn the title “dad”.

Yes, you read the headline correctly. Our latest Darwin Award Winner tried to swap his baby for beer.

According to Boston.com:

Chicopee police say a man faces a child endangerment charge after allegedly offering to swap his 3-month-old daughter for a pair of 40-ounce beers.

Police say 24-year-old Matthew Brace of Northampton made the offer to a maintenance man outside a gas station convenience store on Monday. The maintenance man called police, who say they found Brace hiding with the girl behind a trash container.

Contrary to belief, I do love beer but would never, ever, ever swap one of my kids for beer. That’s just insanely ridiculous and to put it bluntly, frickin’ idiotic. Is Brace that out of touch with reality that this kid/beer swap thing would actually work?

I mean, 40 ounce beers aren’t typically that good to begin with so if you’re going to make this attempt, try and get your hands on a case of 90-minute IPA from Dogfish.

Kidding.

Seriously though, this is exactly why we men are considered morons at times and why there should be a rigorous test for every man (and woman for that matter) who can have kids (because not everyone who can have kids, wants kids, if you know what I mean). There’s a lengthy approval process for just about everything we consume (food, merchandise, etc.). But when it comes to being a parent, any moron can be one. This winner proves that.

I say this not because he’s the untalented brother in a largely untalented family, or that he’s gotten paid a ridiculous amount of money to make some ridiculously bad movies (“The Flinstones in Viva Las Vegas” anyone?)

No, the latest reason Stephen Baldwin’s a putz is because he went on British TV last week and owned up to being a no-show dad. In an interview on the Brit show “Loose Women,” (insert guy-humor here), Baldwin said his DNA, upbringing and apparently brisk career makes him a hands-off dad.

“No (I’m not hands-on). I don’t care if this just sounds obvious — women are smarter than men. They have more wisdom, they have more patience. Men are beasts and women are beast-lovers, isn’t that something, how that works?”

Charming.

Well, Stephen, you’re right, for the most part. Women are smarter than men, they do have more wisdom and more patience. Men might be beasts. But beasts can still be good dads, ya putz.

Beasts can change diapers, beasts can read, beasts can play rough with their boys and clap loudly at their girl’s ballet recitals. In other words, beasts can still be smart. Beasts don’t go on national television – even if it’s in England – and boast about being a bad father.

That is all.

Typically, we save this award for one dad, but in this case we are handing out the prestigious award to a couple of parents.

The first recipient is a guy who’s two-year-old was found naked in a hallway, lying in feces and vomit. Apparently the kid “got outside by himself.”

Yea right:

A naked 2-year-old boy was found sleeping in the hallway of a Dorchester apartment building yesterday, using his diaper as a pillow, Boston police said in a statement.

A resident notified police, who found the child at about 2 a.m. in a common hallway on the second floor, surrounded by feces and vomit. Emergency medical workers transported the boy to Carney Hospital for treatment and evaluation.

Officers found the boy’s father in one of the apartments in the Hancock Street building. He told officers his son “probably left the apartment after I fell asleep.’’

The other Darwin Award winner is an EoT first — a mom:

Heather Parris, 42, of Hyannis, was pulled over for driving 56 miles per hour in a 35-mile-per-hour zone on Buck Island Road in Yarmouth, said Lieutenant Steve Xiarhos.

The officer who stopped her shortly before midnight Thursday noticed that her two young children were not in child seats and that Parris appeared intoxicated.

Police said her blood alcohol content was 0.19, nearly 2 ½ times the legal limit. A passenger, identified by police as the children’s father, Dwyane Brown, 38, of Hyannis, had a blood alcohol content of 0.30.

in the first case, how do you not make sure your kid is tucked away in their bed, safe and sound, never mind whether or not your door is locked? With the mom case, these are the types of people that should be tested before they become a parent. Seriously.

So to these fine parents, congrats on being named EoT Darwin Award recipients, the first of 2010.

News and photo source: Boston.com