Yep, yesterday earlier this month was my 40th birthday. I hit one of the major milestones in life and am (unbelievably) alive to talk about it.  I’m not one of those “Birthday Weekend!!!!” types. In fact, I think it’s nice to acknowledge the day but the pomp and circumstance of birthdays, parties and celebrating not dying seems a bit much. Again, no spiking the ball in the end zone syndrome continues, but I digress. In fact, there are few birthdays that are worth celebrating in life. Turning 1 for obvious reasons. Plus you get to smash cake in your pie hole and pretty much anywhere else you want… So that’s a good one.

Without further adieu, here are 5 birthdays actually worth celebrating:


Sixteen is really the used to be the next big date, although with current driving laws have changed everything. Given this, plus the advent of NC-17 ratings, lets just agree that 17 is probably a bigger milestone because you’ll get a full drivers license and license to watch fake sex scenes in movie theaters legally.


Eighteen is a huge milestone date: You can get into (some) clubs. You can see dirty movies. Hotel rooms can be rented, too. 18 is full of win. Until…


Ahh, twenty one. The grand daddy of youth birthdays is, in fact, 21. Don’t believe me? THEY NAMED A STORE AFTER STAYING 21 FOREVER, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE. In fact, no other age even comes close. “Why”, you may ask? First, off, you’re an idiot. Second, and most obvious, it’s the age where booze is legal. That’s pretty much it, really. But it’s a HUGE ordeal. My European readers, all three of them, are probably shaking their heads at this but it does go along way to explain why most people stop evolving around this age. Yep, after this one it’s just a series of milestones that all represent being an adult —  which is when things start to suck.


You might be thinking, “What? 25? Are you high?”. And to that I say, “It’s only 5 o’clock, so not yet”. Sure, 25 is not as big of a deal in terms of celebrating but there is one benefit — the cost of renting a car goes down.


Thirty. It’s the first fake “ZOMFG YOU’RE OLD” milestone. You stop thinking you’re hip. The people in ads are now all younger than you. You start noticing that you’ve lost a step when it comes to sports and partying. I’ve heard people in their 30′s say they wish they were still in their twenties. Honestly I don’t understand this notion as your 20′s, while you still may have some notion of irresponsibility, are almost, if not more awkward, than your high school/teenage years. You’re smart but not smart enough to attend senior meetings. You’re in great shape but are broke and work a shit ton of hours.

And actually, depending on where you live, turning 30 is just the beginning of adulthood — not 18. During your pre-teen years you kept thinking “I can’t wait until I can drive.”. Then when you started driving and eventually went off to college broke, you said “Man, I can’t wait until I’m in my 20s so I have a job and a few bucks in my pocket.”. Then you got into the workforce and said “Man, none of these girls want to date a guy who’s on his way up the corporate latter (but still at the bottom)”. Your 30′s are when shit finally starts to pay off – and by shit, I mean adulthood.

After that, birthdays become a celebration of the fact that you’re not dead yet. Being an above average height and weight, I fall into the category of people who are more likely to suffer a heart attack — so I have that going for me.

So… here’s to another year of not dying! :P


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