Last year I got really, really ambitious and wrote picks for every single bowl game including the Beef O’Brady’s Bowl, National Championship and grandaddy of them all, the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl. Or is that the Rose Bowl? I forget.
At any rate, grinding out every game for last year’s posts was tedious, to say the least. And after seeing the final regular season BCS standings before the bowl season even begins, I’m ready to pick every game right now.
Here’s no surprise, especially to those down South: The SEC will win every single game it plays. Notre Dame will have their mud shoots literally stomped in by Bama, LSU will decapitate an opponent on a kick return, Florida will score a billion points while allowing negative thirty billion and A&M’s Johnny Football will be christened as New Jesus.
And when I say the SEC will win, it’s not just in the bowl season — I’m talking about all time, forever, in every game it plays. In the event that a SEC school takes a break from beating up on a glorified high school team the week before their final SEC game and schedules another SEC school, the little known NCAA “reverse academic rule” comes into effect whereby their higher ranking academic school, Vanderbilt, will be forced to lose the game by forfeit — not because they didn’t field a team that Saturday, but because they’ll be busy taking all of the final exams for SEC bottom feeder schools like Mississippi State and Ole Miss. Vandy, by default, will then be allowed to play in the “NCAA (cough cough, laugh laugh) Title Game” against whichever felons from Ohio State that aren’t incarcerated in January, with the Commodores undoubtedly skipping their way into the end zone through rival conference’s “top defenses” — whilst reciting sonnets from Shakespeare and Pandya theorem.
Given this inevitable outcome, the SEC is going to make such short work of next year’s college football “schedules” that EA Sports will be forced to put the entire SEC on the cover of the 2015 NCAA Football game. Eventually the NCAA will be forced to do something unheard of in college sports: Split the SEC off into its own NFL D-League. In this new format, every player will be paid slightly more than they already pocket from team boosters while automatically being drafted from 1-253 into the NFL. Other NCAA players will be forced to play for the London Sillynannies in Europe, where Tom Brady will make his triumphant return (he did attend That [pussy] School Up North, after all) to England and lead the Sillynannies to a European Kittens and Girly Things Bowl championship. His team will be awarded matching pink lederhosen, pinky rings and castrations.
Eventually, with the second rate NFL players out of the way, every SEC player will dominate in the “New NFL” and break every record ever held throughout all time: a 50,000-yard rusher, 99-yard field goal records and team defenses that allow negative points will all force the NFL to burn the NFL Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio and move it to Buloxi, Mississippi. There, Southerners will take annual pilgrimages to pray at the feet New Jesus and curse at all of the Blue States for even messin’ with their game.
Could the NCAA change their rules to stop
God Nick Saban from forcing players to enroll a semester late, only to redshirt them so they’re closer to 23 years of age when they hit the field than 18 year old kids as “Freshmen”? Sure, but we don’t live in a world where an unchecked governing body like the NCAA could put a stop to this… right?
You might be thinking “Well, isn’t this whole scenario just a LITTLE overboard?” — and the answer is “YOU CAN’T SPELL ‘
SECEDESCREW YOU’ WITHOUT ‘S-E-C’.”