Ok fine... we can't jump. But we can totally bang Rosie Perez.
Since we’re all in the groove of the NCAA tournament and the weather’s warming up, it’s easy to forget that in a few short months weekend warrior Dads will be taking to the asphalt and lacing up their Air Force Ones to battle other semi-balding, probably overweight, definitely lost their vertical jump 30- and 40-somethings. As an aficionado of the hardwood and having earned Official Summertime Baller Status, I’m here to give you some tips on the difference between indoor (league play) and outdoor ball.
1. The Kicks
Indoor ball is all about the latest and greatest. In fact, dudes will specifically NOT pick you for their team if you’re wearing anything more than a season old. Outdoor ball, however, requires a whole different level of sophistication when you’re a 3040DAD (30-40 year old Dad). 3040DAD has to think about when he might wear these shoes again, what he’s stepped in since wearing them and if they’ll make it into the house or will be quarantined in a mud room or garage. Thankfully outdoor ballin’ doesn’t require great kicks – grab whatever you have and go with it. Pro tip: Take last year’s indoor sneaks and wear them outdoor, that way when Fall rolls around you’ll have an excuse to upgrade your 1992 Air Flight Zooms.
2. The Attitude
You’re the King (of the remote). You’re unstoppable (on the toilet). You drive (a midsized sedan or SUV and are probably middle management at your company) like no one else can. Ok let’s forget about the fantasy and focus on the reality: You could TOTALLY fire some low level intern, possibly requiring someone else’s authorization, and you aren’t afraid to show it. The entire time you’re playing against some younger punk, just keep thinking “Man you will be lucky to have the jump on the 401k that I have!” or if it’s an older gent just hate on him for draining the healthcare system and potentially being more successful than you. It’s your court, and dammit you deserve more than what you have. Go get it!
3. The Attire
It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that what you wear can make a difference. If that wasn’t the case we’d all be playing ball in Trax and wearing Starter cotton tanks. That being said, it’s not just about the right brands but about the right color. No, you racist bastard, I’m not talking about skin – I mean clothing. See, it’s hot. And whenever I go head to head against someone wearing a dark colored shirt I will drive on him, run the floor and pound it down low to wear him out. See, the sun makes him hotter, makes him sweat more and therefore he’s tired quicker. Get it? Good.
4. The Ball
There’s nothing worse than showing up for a job with the wrong tool. The ball makes all the difference on the court. Don’t settle for the all-rubber pieces of crap that some of the part timers try and pull out. Even worse is when the “tumor ball” makes an appearance; you know the ball I’m talking about, the one that has a lump in it because it’s seen better days on the blacktop and has finally started to give. Get your ass to the store, pick up an indoor/outdoor ball with a built-in pump and call it a day. You might even pick up an extra game for bringing it.
5. The Calls
It was the great Terry Tate that said “Don’t bring none of that sissy stuff up in here!” during his classic Reebok ads. And with that, if you’re an outdoor baller you better not expect any calls. There’s a reason guys playing college and pro can drive to the hoop without getting two-handed chops across the forearm: there are fouls called in their game. Sure, you can be “that guy” and call every tap, rub, slap and touch — but do you want to be? Here’s a good rule of thumb: If your son was watching you ball, would he shake his head at Dad calling foul on every touch, or would he think you’re the warrior you are by going up strong and taking it on? You know the answer on this one.
So there you have it. Five basic tips for ruling the court this year. Let’s hear your tips and pray you don’t end up wearing a knee brace in the Fall!
