Fellow Dads, next Monday is Valentine’s Day, which means that countless men across the country will be in the dog house for screwing up this Hallmark holiday. Here’s a cheat sheet so you end up sleeping in the same bed as your spouse next week.
Gift #1: Anything featured on a jewelry store TV ad
Unless your wife likes corny, cheap crap don’t waste your time here. Between the cheesy Open Heart collection (which, btw, looks like two butts more than it does two hearts), diamond pendants and other cupid-inspired junk you’re be at the mall returning it faster than she can finish telling you to “Take it back to Jared”.
Gift #2: A baby
It sound soooo romantic and sweet. “Honey, let’s try for another”. Don’t think with the wrong head this V-Day, man. Think about it: More sleepless nights, more thrilling 2-1, three-hour OT, final score pee wee basketball games, less sex because she’s tired and another college tuition payment hanging over your head. We’re all for having sex, but just remember Rodney Dangerfield’s classic line from “Back to School“: “The best thing about kids – is making ‘em.”
Gift #3: Handmade Card
While it might seem sentimental to make a card for your wife, it’s a bad idea all around. You probably don’t have a great printer at home so it’ll look like something out of Print Shop. And definitely don’t try and hand-write it — years of typing have reduced your penmanship to that of a 2nd grader. Save the amateur crap for your kids. Remember, it’s cute when they do it — and sad when it’s an adult.
Gift #4: No Card
Dude, I totally agree: It’s a made up holiday, so why should I have to drop $6 on a corny piece of badly written tripe? Here’s why: Every other Dad in the neighborhood, at work, at the gym and everywhere else is doing it. Yes, I’m telling you to cave to peer pressure because no one’s wife wants to be That Woman who has to lie to her friends and co-workers because you were too cheap to drop a few dollars. Here’s a tip: Buy a card that has a tasteful image on the outside, black and white pictures are preferred, and is blank on the inside. That way you’re not bound to delivering her a rhyming soliloquy of goofiness that won’t get you laid.
Gift #5: Nude photo
Let’s face it, Dad: You’re not in the same shape you were when you got married. Beer gut, back hair, man boobs – the list goes on and on. There’s a reason they only promote holiday cards with family pictures on them : you’re dressed in a shirt, sweater, possibly a ski mask and maybe even a snowmobile suit to hide your hideous appearance. Stick with what works: take her to dinner, get her drunk, reciprocate in bed and she won’t care that you’re wearing yesterday’s mustard-stained briefs.
Bonus: Exercise equipment
Not sure this one needs a lot of explanation but needless to say that if you’re implying she’s fat and needs to lose weight then you’ll probably be spending next Valentine’s Day paying alimony, sleeping at a Super 8.
There you have it: 5 tips for staying out of the dog house this year. Anything else I missed?
Now that I think about it, I gave my wife labor and delivery for Valentine’s Day, twice. Both our kids were born within a couple of week of Valentine’s Day.
see now that IS romantic. “This year, give her the gift of placenta”