There are some films that make a man cringe. No, not horror films, but those that draw blood from a specific organ – the heart. Without having seen any of these films, I bring you the EOT edition of “The Most Painful Chick Flicks of 2010″.
There were a plethora of films that every man should avoid in 2010. Certainly countless single men had to endure viewing these absolute travesties to testosterone in order to secure fellatio, but for those of us con spouse it’s another story. Being asked to see “Chicago”, “Black Swan” or any other film that is clearly not geared toward men is one of the most painful experiences married men can go through. “Why?”, you may ask? Because, for those of us who’ve been married for a while, there is absolutely no up side to this equation. That being said, let’s get started.
5. Happy Tears
I don’t think there’s ever been a less masculine title of a movie. The name alone is so feminine it should make a man’s sack shrivel. Here’s the plot:
“Jayne (Parker Posey) and Laura (Demi Moore) are about to take on the first man they just might not be able to handle: their seventy something-year-old father Joe (Rip Torn). Dutiful daughters returning to the house they grew up in, Jayne and Laura are forced to take a closer look at their own not-so-perfect lives while dodging childhood memories. Laura suspects that Joe needs full-time care, but Jayne refuses to believe that their father’s condition is that serious.
Their adventures back home are not without magic, mischief and mayhem, and even a search for buried treasure in the backyard! In the end, any tears that Jayne and Laura might shed will be happy ones.”
Sounds kind of like the backstory to the grandkids from “Grumpy Old Men” except you have to watch all of the boring, heart felt details. No thank you. On the plus side it’s so boring that it has to be good for a quiet nap.
Rating: 0 out of 5 beers; Pros: Nap. Cons: You just had a coffee, are over-caffeinated and can’t sleep.
4. Burlesque
You’d think a movie that’s named after dancing women wearing pasties and all sorts of naked-ness would be awesome, but au contraire mon frere. This is just another reason for Cher to trot her rotting, half-naked, plastic corpse out onto the screen; just enough to kill any sort of enjoyment from seeing uber-hussy Christina Aguilera naked. I couldn’t imagine a worse way to spend a Friday night with the wife.
Rating: 1 out of 5 beers; Pros: Other chicks naked. Cons: Tons of singing and Cher.
3. Love and Other Drugs
This movie falls into the category of “Misleading Titles”, like when you’re flipping through the DirecTV Guide page and see “Horny As Hell”, only to find out it’s a documentary about frogs. “Love” falls into this same classification, undoubtedly misleading men into thinking there will be wild party scenes, topless moments and hardcore drug abuse a la Sid + Nancy meets Dazed and Confused. Much like the frog documentary, there’s no such luck. Instead you are forced to endure “Mr. Brokeback Mountain” Jake Gyllenhaal naked and a bunch of sappy, below-par romantic-comedy crap. Blurgh.
Rating: -1 out of 5 beers; Pros: None. Cons: Naked dude.
2. Twilight
I don’t care what the ladies say, the British dude who’s on one of the “teams” looks like he’s better suited to play Teen Wolf than a vampire. Also, just because you’re British doesn’t mean it’s OK to have bad teeth. It’s not. Our health care system might suck but at least we can afford Crest White Strips and fake teeth. I’d rather take one square in the nuts than subject myself to a movie theater full of pre-teens screaming for their favorite vampire.
Rating: 1 out of 5 beers; Pros: Killing. Cons: A movie theater filled with 13 year olds screaming for hairless gay guys with false teeth.
1. Sex and the City 2
Hands down not only the worst movie of 2010 but also the dumbest movie. A bunch of old-ass New York hags take their sorry asses to the Middle East for a wedding whilst offending every possible culture and religion possible with an incomprehensibly “out of touch with the real world problems the rest of the country faces” overtone to it. Where do I sign up? Seriously, even women said this movie sucked. I guess they could make a dude version of this, except it’d be a remake of The Hangover, they’d be 50 years old, they’d all get laid all the time and instead of going to Vegas the head to China where they beat the nerdiest Chinese teens in Black Ops and make 50 babies just to piss off the Communist government while showing citizens how to hack the Net and post protest videos. Actually, that would be a pretty bad ass movie, but I digress.
Rating: -100 out of 5 beers; Pros: None. Cons: Everything.
Overall 2010 was a horrible movie for men, and that wasn’t even including the train wreck that was the terrible remake of the A-Team. Look for more of the same as more women gain disposable income but apparently, not a filter for the formulaic bullshit coming out of Hollywood.
Honorable metion: Eat Pray Love. Julia Roberts trots her saggy ass across the world on a whirlwind of romantic adventures to cure a post-divorce hangover. Kill me now.
