Alexis always acts in a way to make us proud.
It’s always difficult when you see your kids in pain.
Whether it’s physical pain or emotional turmoil, the most difficult part of parenting children is allowing them to feel and deal with pain. It’s a vital skill kids must learn to grow into confident teenagers, young adults and finally adults.
Just because it’s necessary doesn’t make it easy.
I had such an incident this weekend after my daughter attended just her second Catholic middle school dance. I honestly remember 8th grade dances but I don’t remember doing them in 7th grade. Anyway, my almost 13-year old attended hers with glee and excitement.
She had picked out the right clothes, the right earrings and even the right shoes. For a Dad, this obviously goes over my head so her Mom was there to make sure things were appropriate.
Some background on my little girl: she’s very studious and acts 12. She’s in the “tweener” stage of not quite being a teenager and not quite ready to let go of her childhood. That’s just fine with us in a time when the “hurried child” is forced into maturity far before they should. That’s another post for another time.
My tweener is a little naive for her age. I think that’s fine. We don’t shelter her but we also make sure what she watches and listens to is age appropriate and doesn’t undermine the values we teach her at home. We’re proud she goes to a Catholic school and finds her Catholic values and identity core to who she is.
Which brings us back to the dance.
Since my daughter is more of a rule follower than a rule breaker, she’s not someone who’s going to push limits like many of the girls her age. She doesn’t wear short-short skirts, makeup or chitter-chatter about boys. I know this will come as she matures but many around her seems to be 12-going-on-20 vs. acting their age. Of course, I believe parents are to blame for this because kids at 12 don’t buy their own clothes and they don’t buy their own makeup.
My daughter had built up this dance to a level I knew she’d eventually be disappointed with the outcome. I am not sure what she expected but it was something she did not get.
When she came home that evening, she was not happy. She wasn’t willing to share too much with Dad but my wife gave me the low-down: girls being girls. A few of her good friends don’t like each other so she could not hang with her friends at the same time. This made her feel left out and unsure of how to deal with the drama. Since she takes things at face value, it’s hard for her to understand the mind games that have already started at this early age.
The fact is: girls and women are crueler to one another than men could ever be. That’s just a simple fact. Hang out or listen to a bunch of pre-teens and you’ll know exactly what I mean.
All of this lead to a lesson for my daughter that was hard to swallow but valuable. She learned that sometimes being yourself and refusing to succumb to the group-think mentality (ye ol’ peer pressure) can lead you to a lonelier place. She learned sometimes when you refuse to do things just because they are easy, sometimes its very hard. She hung out with her good friend who was being shunned by the other girls. That took courage and, even though my heart ached for her, I was proud of her.
My daughter is every bit 12. She’s not 15 and she’s not 17. In a time when culture and media sexualize girls her age, she is fine being “in-between” a child and an young adult.
She’s a good girl in a time when fast girls abound. I feel good that, as parents, we’re raising her with the values that help her make the right decisions.
Even if they aren’t popular.
Follow Scott on Twitter @sdgully or email him at scott@everyotherthursday.com. His personal blog, where he writes about public relations and social media, is www.scottgulbransen.com. Scott also contributes the the Shamable Blog and is known as the Gluten Free Father and reviews GF food.
As much as Alexis might have felt alienated, she was a shining example, to an audience of at least one; one over whom she has much influence.
…and that makes ME happy.
Thanks Brian. Apparently, some parents of girls in my kids class (yes, apparently they read the blog!) were “offended” by this. Don't know how…but glad you got the true meaning of the blog post.
Good post Scott. There are some key learnings there for me. I have about six years to go before this day arrives.
Thanks to the dozens of Moms and Dads from around the country who have emailed me about this post. I am glad you found the positive in it and that it has helped you with your own child. Please post comments here…but if you don't want to, the emails are beautiful and I'll share them with my daughter. EOT readers are the best!