Husbands, particularly fathers, can be a pretty gullible lot some days.

We fall for the silly things: No matter how tired or late for work you are, the line “Daddy, wanna play catch?” will always stop us in our tracks; We won’t turn off “Field of Dreams” at the end; We’ll always choose pizza over making pretty much any meal, except maybe grilling some large piece of meat.

But, really, do you think we’re suckers? I’m not one to ascribe improper motives among women but, without a single solitary shred of research into this alleged research, I’m calling this propaganda from some new consortium of mothers – let’s call them the Mothers United to Bring Down Fathers, LLC.

I saw the study in the elevator first, actually, one of those Wall Street Journal scrolls as I rode up to my car in the garage at work. It said something like, “More housework leads to more sex, according to new study.” I was suddenly bleeding from my eyes.

Not me

Naturally, I looked the thing up and, sure enough, the Journal reported a study – published by something called the Journal of Family Issues (surely a front for women married to suckers).

This “study” claims to have surveyed more than 6,800 married couples. Those couples allegedly said, or a majority of them did anyway, that the more housework they did, the more sex they had.

The theory is that apparently those who work hard, play hard.

This, of course, is total crap apparently published by collegiate types who think that work is office hours or sitting in the lab and playing hard involves a cocktail party where they have to break into the really old Merlot. Anyone who actually works for a living and manage kids and chores is going to laugh themselves into Depends at the mere thought of this study.

For most working folks, the day looks something like this: Up, shower, kids up, kids dressed, shove breakfast down some throats, rush to make the bus on time, rush to get to work, work all day (worrying about the kids and watching the clock to make sure you get home in time), get home, clean up the toys, take the dog for a walk, fight the kids into choking down some reasonably healthy dinner, get them into their pajamas, read a couple stories, try to pause for some “quality time,” get them to bed, make tomorrow’s lunches, do some laundry, dishes and the rest of it before collapsing on the couch to look at the pretty colors. Sex? Well, sure. Maybe, if you’re lucky – pun fully intended.

Do I think doing the dishes is going to get me lucky? Not a prayer. Chores have one basic purpose: To get them done. And they have one basic result: They make you tired.

I know I might build up some goodwill with the wife, I know she might like me a little more if I fold laundry, but she’s not thinking of sexing me up as I yank the diaper bag out of the pail, she just isn’t. I know when I finish the lawn, she’s not thinking let’s run to the bedroom, she’s wondering if I’ll shower or at least put on a new shirt before I touch her.

This is proof there are profs with too much time on their hands, that a study will truly attract attention as long as it promotes some novel theory and, well, what Mr. Barnum may or may not have said long, long ago.

Of course, as my wife just walked in to the house I asked her what she thought. She smiled and said, “I think you should go vacuum.”

Come to think of it, I might just do that.

Hey, I may be a sucker, but I’m not stupid.

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