Go ahead, Google "MILF" and see if you come up with anything cleaner.
Shame. Guilt. Jealousy. Envy. These are all emotions that are set in motion when men, especially married men, are caught checking out other women. Not just young, attractive women – but sometimes middle aged mothers pushing along a stroller or leaning over to scold their children. Commonly referred to as “MILF’s.” For the sake of this post not showing up in every future porn search for that particular keyword I’m going to call them “MILTLAETIHMOIACRBDISAM.” That is, “Moms I Like To Look At Even Though I’m Happily Married Or In A Committed Relationship Because Dammit I’m Still A Man.”
That’s really the point isn’t it? We’re still men and we have a primal urge to fight when we get into a long-term relationship. I’m not talking for you short timers. You see something you like, go for it.
As married men, we can only look. Which is fine, as long as we can do it guilt free and without fear of retribution. Sadly, for many men, that is not the case. If their eyes wonder to the business woman across the room with the short skirt cut up the thigh, clearly not wearing leggings and possibly a thong – pow! If caught, the guilt is never ending. “Do you want to f**k her? Is she prettier than me? Didn’t you marry me? Why don’t you look at me like that?” You think, well, it’s because that’s not you. I see you every day, every once in a while I’d like to just SEE something different. Change of scenery. Damned are you if you say that! Most of you just hang your head and submit to the tongue lashing you are going to get. The verbal kind. Not the once a year on your birthday kind.
So how do we look when our significant other is standing right there? It’s one thing to check out the chicks at Starbucks when you are grabbing a coffee before work, or even checking out the chicks at work, but it’s another when you aren’t alone.
So what’s the solution? How can we get away with checking out women that we aren’t married to and not get cut down by our significant others in doing so? It all comes down to situation, class and place. There are places you can get away with checking out other women. There are particular situations you can get away with checking out other women, and there is a particular class of woman you can get away with looking at in front of your better half. Ladies, this is the part you need to stop reading. Industry secrets and all. Pretend it’s about football and go watch a soap or hit up the kitchen. I think I see a stain.
Class
It’s painfully obvious when you are checking out the hot young thing strolling through the mall with the low cut top, cleavage looking like the pressure may give at any moment. You are going to get a dirty look for that. But if you manage to pick out the hot MILTLAETIHMOIACRBDISAM herding her kids and husband through Sears, wearing nothing but a pair of boot cut jeans and a long sleeve shirt, chances are your woman won’t notice. Not because she’s looking at clothes, but because that woman is no threat to her. She doesn’t even notice her. Her radar doesn’t bleep. (Unless she knows that other woman of course, which is even better cause then you get a close up.)
Basically, you want to shoot for a class of woman below the one you are married to. That way, even if she catches you looking she’ll just think you are judging people in your head, rather than checking out the tats on that hot piece of white trash. Occasionally though, you can get away with looking at someone in a higher class as far as social class is concerned. Because your wife is secretly judging her in her head.
Situation
Situation usually means proximity. If you are strolling through the mall holding hands with your wife and watching the kids, not a good time for the eyes to stray. She’ll notice. However, if you hang back with one of the kids, you can keep an eye on her and an eye out for tail. How to create a situation? “Here honey, here’s 50 bucks, I hear Old Navy is a having a sale.” Then head for the nearest bench and just watch the scenery.
Place
Anywhere public will generally do quite fine. However, if you really want to get neck spasms, go to an “event.” At the local botanical gardens, at the library, a museum opening, and so on. I mean the mall and Wal-Mart are one thing. But check this out, hotel lobbies, dinner at the Cheese Factory and the movie theater is a great place for a cross section of women as well. Best yet, the most MILTLAETIHMOIACRBDISAM can be found at an event for children. Like a kids birthday party or an event at a school. She’s going to be too busy chatting about the other mothers or chasing after the kids to even notice.
Basically, women want us to deny our basic instincts when we get hitched. They’ll say they don’t want to change us or make us less of a man, but they have their ways. The key here is guys, is to keep the looking to glances and reflections in glass. You start staring at other women like you stare at a pastrami sandwich or a meatball parm, she’s going to start to wonder what the hell is wrong with you. Sideways glances are all it takes. Like when your kid is showing you a new “spaz” dance while you are watching football.
Curtis Silver wants everyone who doesn’t get the tongue-in-cheek humor in the above post to rub raw ground beef all over their face and dip their head in a shark tank. For more humor and general tomfoolery follow @cebsilver.
